Dim

I don’t feel like I love today which not a very sunny day. Early in the morning, I prepared myself for the competition in Han Chiang primary. But what was surprising is, the headmaster of that school told us that the competition has been postponed without informing our school? How could they? I studied that stupid book till midnight yesterday and now what? Postponed? In fact, there were another two school didn’t get the info and arrived there even earlier than us, ~~Chung Ling Butterworth and another XXX school. Pn Lee keep saying sorry to us (Kah Kah and me as we took bus there, Pn Lee was really good enough to fetch us back after that.). We waited there for our teammates to arrive and told them the truth. What they reacted was “Huh? What?” Pity the parents too. It should be a perfect Saturday for us. No choice. I continue in my dreams when I came back.

 

In the noon, nothing special. Watching tv while my mum nagged on me.

 

But, don’t know why, don’t know how….My mood was really complicated now. Something happened last week and till now haven’t settled. What keep bothering me was…..Tuesday, Shu Wei asked me what exactly I wrote in the blog and what exactly Kar Wen told me? She asked me to tell the truth. She asked me did I twist the word? Her expression was telling me that something bad happened. I asked her, what I told you in Monday is the truth. She told me that what I told didn’t same as what Kar Wen told. Whats the difference? I asked her.

 

Monday

The fist lesson, when the assembly canceled due to the bidato, I asked Kar Wen to go for a trip organized by our class in this coming year end. But…..Since she said I don’t belong to you anymore when I am trying to make things at least back to as simple as it was, ok fine. I will stop interrupt and bothering her then. I was really shocked when she said that to me. ~~is out of my expectation anyway. I kept silent for the another minutes and pretend nothing happened in front of the outsiders. How harsh that word to me. I never felt like that ever. Later on, during pj period, I told Shu Wei what she told me and, what I get from her is, still left a few months before SPM, cant you girls fixed it before it is too late?

 

Tuesday

As what I said just now. Shu Wei asked me did I twist the word when we been dismissed. She told me, Kar Wen didn’t mean what I think she was. She is trying to boycotting herself but not boycotting me~~at least that’s what she told me. She said there is a misunderstand between us. I answered her back. What will you think when someone said I don’t belong to you anymore? Will you think in a positive way or in the opposite way? You can’t blame me for what I thought. Phooi Mun was there when I said that to Shu Wei. And of course what happened next was for her curiosity, she asked what’s going on and I told her. Her respond was “Huh? She angry for that small matter?”  I totally don’t know how to continue after her reaction. Did my words make others to feel that she is the one who should been blamed which in fact she don’t deserved to be? Did I ever did that without I realized it? Am I that bad?Yaya, for outsiders who don’t really know what was going on, she may be the one who should be blamed. She angry cause I having another blog? Ridiculous  In fact, this is not the main reason she angry for, she didn’t angry for that but cause I didn’t inform her. Before that, there is hell lots of things happened which are more than enough to break our friendship, but we didn’t really faced it. We avoid, or I avoid it. Allowed me to say that I am not brave enough to face it. I don’t know how to face it. Somehow, I am totally a coward. I just can’t accept things don’t go in the way I hope. At last, I choose not to tell anyone and I didn’t explain what the truth is to Phooi Mun. I am totally tired of it and it was complicated and hard to explain. But for sure, I need to take part of the responsibility for the consequences I faced today. Who am I for her? A girl who always been the fake one, who always twist the word around, who always lied to her, who always didn’t really treat her as the best friend, who always get outsiders to support me when we both had a quarrel. I am thinking of that all the night, did I ever do that? Then what was her for me? For a human being, I maybe sad and facing problems which I could only share with certain people, and what’s I get to know is, this isn’t the right way I should do. I am lost. From now on, I am not going to show the real part of myself to prevent I get hurt further. For those who see this passage, avoid me as much as you can. Otherwise, you will ended up as the girl I hurt whom I mentioned above. I don’t know myself and I hate myself! Then, I let the faith decide it, I posted what I feel plus the comment in the blog for 4 hours, is good to let her know about what I write, but still, is a good signs if she didn’t realize it. Anyhow, she knew it but the font is too small. She cant read it clearly~~that is what Shu Wei told me. Between, I didn’t  told the whole part of the comment to Shu Wei as I let the faith to guide us. Silly huh?

 

Wednesday

Pn Chan ask us to get into 5 a group. For first time I wondering, should I form my group myself? I am scared to been left alone. At last ended up I did nothing but waiting which group is lack of a member and I will get into it. But don’t know how, Shu Wei asked me later on. So, three of us in a group. We didn’t speak as much as last time but only some words regarding the presentation, kindda weird! Maybe I am still not use to lose her. Maybe……

 

I am scared of myself....